Life's too short
by Richefic
Summary: A longish tag to the episode "Grace Period". After witnessing Paula's death, Tony thinks about the advice she gave him and tries to come to terms with life, loss, and the meaning of love.
1. Chapter 1

AN - Almost forgot the disclaimer. I don't own them. If I did there would be far more 'mssing scences'

* * *

Tony sagged as he heard the explosion; seconds later feeling the sound vibrate through his palms on the wall, the bright glow blossoming under the door, the heat searing the thin partition, so that the bricks grew warm under his hands.

"_Life's too short not to tell someone you love them if you do."_

He had never told Paula that he loved her. He had been attracted to her. He had enjoyed her company, He'd thought the sex was amazing but he'd always stopped short of using the 'L' word. When she had started calling more often, begun to talk about more commitment he had been the one to end things.

He _really_ could have handled that better.

"DiNozzo."

He had heard about her transfer to the Pentagon from someone else. For weeks he had told himself he must call her. He had even blackmailed McGee into tracking down her new cell number but he hadn't known what to say. It had simply been luck that their paths hadn't crossed for several months.

He wasn't sure now if that was good luck, or bad.

Their first meeting had been awkward. She had been snappish and he had overcompensated, of course. But they had worked together as well as ever and after the case was solved things had got easier. They had eaten Chinese at 2am in her car and forged a friendship of sorts, more "Sibling Rivalry" than "Fatal Attraction."

He'd miss that.

"Tony."

Gentler now, the voice was accompanied by a firm hand under his elbow, drawing him up and away. He followed blindly vaguely registering that Gibbs was speaking to someone else but, feeling nothing but the heat of that connection, as he was led outside and pushed down to sit on the kerb.

"My father always said I'd end up in the gutter." He observed bleakly.

His voice sounded strange to his own ears and far away. He wondered if it might have something to do with the strange buzzing noise in his ears. He felt cold and hot at the same time. Part of him recognised that his body was going into shock.

"Shut up, DiNozzo." Gibbs spoke not unkindly.

The hand moved from his arm and for a second Tony felt bereft at the loss of that warmth. Then Gibbs' palm landed, firm and strong on his neck, pressing Tony's head down between his knees, keeping his hand there, his thumb stroking absently across a tendon.

"Boss," Tony managed, closing his eyes tight. "I'm okay."

"Yeah," Gibbs wasn't agreeing. "I can see that. Breathe."

Accustomed to following Gibbs' orders Tony breathed, in through his nose and out through his mouth. He'd had a girlfriend once who had been into Yoga and she'd taught him that was a first step to attaining a meditative state. Or was it in through the mouth and out through the nose? Tony's brow furrowed as he attempted to recall.

"Hey!" Gibbs' voice was sharp with anxiety, as he shook him gently by the scruff. "I said, _breathe_, DiNozzo."

"Yes Boss." Tony managed.

He wasn't sure how long they sat there, knee-to-knee and shoulder-to-shoulder. Long enough that his ass began to protest its contact with the hard, concrete, sidewalk, and for his head to clear, his eyes to open and his vision to return to normal and his nose to pick up the distressingly familiar smell of blood and burned flesh that hung in the air.

"Sorry, Boss."

The hand lifted from his neck and hovered over his head for a moment, as if Gibbs was contemplating slapping some sense into him. Tony tensed in anticipation of the blow, only to have Gibbs' hand drop to his thigh, squeezing it firmly in a gesture of support and affection that made the tears Tony had held at bay by a sheer act of will threaten to spill over.

"Don't apologise, DiNozzo."

"I know, sign of weakness." He scrubbed at his face, trying to erase the burning behind his eyes.

"I meant, you've got nothing to apologise for," Gibbs corrected softly. "You're not Superman, Tony."

"Gibbs," Tony could barely articulate the word. As a cop he had seen things he couldn't have imagined growing up in Long Island. In his time as a Federal Agent he witnessed things he was unable to forget. Behind that door there was a crime scene that needed to be lazered and sketched, there were photos that needed to be taken. He owed Paula not to let that be done by strangers. "I can do this."

"I know you can," Gibbs answered steadily. "But you don't have to."

"Gibbs."

"Ziva and McGee can handle it," Gibbs' tone was uncompromising. "Let 'em."

"You let Paula work the case and it was her team." Tony insisted stubbornly.

"And look where it got me," Gibbs shook his head. He should have known better. He had seen it before in combat. Men convinced they should have died with their units, looking to make good that debt. He rose to his feet, his knee popping in protest as he did so. "You sit this one out, that's an order."

"I wasn't in love with her." Tony's voice was almost too quiet to hear.

"Only because you didn't let yourself be," Gibbs countered softly.

As the ex-marine walked back into the building Tony considered that. Gibbs understood more than most that Tony had good reason to have commitment issues. He had experienced first hand how hard it was to get the younger man to let down his guard. The Marine had never bought into the frat boy skirt-chasing art. Gibbs knew loneliness where he saw it.

OK, so maybe it wasn't _all_ an act. Some of those women had been hot. But he had a track record of keeping people at arms length, of moving on when things got too serious. He hadn't had that luxury with Jeanne. Not without blowing the mission.

"_Life's too short not to tell someone you love them if you do."_

Pulling out his notebook and pen, Tony, wrote two names at the top of the blank page. After a moment's hesitation he added another. A fourth was added without conscious thought and a short moment of reflection he added a fifth name. Followed by a sixth.

Six people.

And four of them were dead.

Tony sighed and scrubbed at his eyes with his fist as he fought with his feelings. He didn't want to go in there but he needed to. Coming to his decision he rose to his feet. Gibbs would yell but he would understand.

At least, Tony hoped so.


	2. Chapter 2

AN - Sorry, din't mean to give the impression this was a one shot. There will be a few chapters - covering each of the team (more or less)

* * *

Tony had dodged the local LEOs and made it as far as the threshold to the damaged building, when a familiar figure coming out, almost ran into him. "Anthony, my dear boy, I do apologise. Entirely my fault, I'm afraid I wasn't looking where I was going."

"It's OK, Duck." Tony went to step around him, only to be caught by a hand on his arm.

"I'm sorry, Tony," The sincerity in Mallard's tone was almost too much for the field Agent to bear. "Paula was a fine woman."

"Yeah," Tony struggled to find his voice. "She was."

"Actually," The grip on his arm tightened, as Tony felt himself turned around and propelled back out into the sunshine, helpless to resist without knocking the elderly MD off balance. "I was rather hoping to run into you. No pun intended, of course. Mother has recently become quite interested in what I believe you call "action movies". I do believe that the main draw for her is the way that the male lead is often required to remove certain items of clothing but as we usually watch television together in the evenings it would be a blessing for me if you could recommend anything that has some vestige of plot."

"Duck," Tony was distracted as he tried to look over the MD's shoulder to see past the plastic sheeting screening off the crime scene. "Now's not really a good time."

"On the contrary, now is the perfect time," Mallard's expression was brimming with compassion even as he herded the younger man towards a nearby bench in the warmth of the sun and sat down beside him. "There's nothing you can do in there."

"I could do my job, Duck."

"Tony, the perpetrator is already dead, the case is closed, and given the number of witnesses your investigative skills are hardly required. Gibbs will ensure that all is as it should be."

In truth, Mallard was more concerned that he wanted to admit. He didn't need any medical equipment to see that DiNozzo was pale and shocky. The way that the younger man let him place a cool hand on his brow without a word of complaint or apparently even noticing was enough to let him know that he was not himself.

"I just wanted," Tony bit the inside of his cheek, tasting blood, before he could continue. "I need to see her, Duck."

"Anthony," Ducky met his gaze steadily. "Do you trust, Jethro?"

Tony scowled. He should have realised that Gibbs would have told the others to keep him at arms length.

"Its not like it's my first dead body, Duck," He protested. "I've seen 'em chopped, diced, sliced, splattered across the sidewalk, dissolved in acid, preserved in aspic and in the case of one weirdo in Baltimore, made into jewellery. I can handle this."

"And were you in love with any of those people?"

"I wasn't in love with Paula," Tony heard the regret in his own voice. "I mean, I liked her, I really did. When we were together it was like nothing else existed."

"Well, if that isn't love, my boy, it sounds a great deal like it," Ducky turned the thin wrist over, to check his pulse, frowning as he felt the rapid thready beat. "I don't suppose it would do any good to order you back to the office? No, I thought not. When did you last eat something?"

"I don't know," Tony didn't want to talk about food. Even the thought of eating was making him sick to his stomach. "Breakfast?"

Mallard tutted his opinion of that, like many athletes, Tony had a very high metabolism, a lack of food, combined with the emotional shock and it was no wonder that the poor boy was struggling. Mallard himself needed to stay at the scene to ensure that the various body parts were correctly packed for transportation to NCIS, Jethro was busy and he doubted that either young Timothy or Mr Palmer had the strength of personality to persuade the stubborn young man to do anything he didn't want to, which only left one option.

"I will ask Ziva to bring you something,"

"Duck," Tony shook his head. He knew there was no point in arguing with the MD when he got like this. In truth, he was grateful that Mallard cared enough to override his objections. "I should have told you this before .."

"Anthony," Ducky interrupted as he shook his head briskly. "If you are going on a coffee run you never forget to bring me my Earl Grey. You service my Morgan out of the goodness of your heart. Despite your dislike for her corgis, you go out of your way to spend time with my mother, so I can have a little respite. Do you really think you need to tell me that you love me?"

"I guess not." Tony blushed slightly. "But I want to."

"And I am most appreciative my dear boy. Rest assured the feeling is quite mutual. Now, I must go and see to poor, dear, Paula," Mallard patted his arm, as he rose to his feet. "Never fear. I will take the very best care of her."

"I know you will, Duck," Tony assured him. "Thanks."

As the elderly MD walked away, Tony pulled out his notebook crossed one of the names off his list before adding a couple more. Chewing a little at the end of his pencil, he considered the remaining names. Telling Duck had been a lot easier than he expected. Somehow, he didn't think talking to the rest was going to be that simple.


	3. Chapter 3

Tony was started out of his thoughts by a shadow that fell over him, blocking out the sunlight. Glancing up, he looked at the figure of McGee hovering with a blanket clutched in both hands as he regarded his dishevelled partner with concern and a little trepidation.

"Here," He held out the object he was clutching. "I brought you a blanket."

"A blanket?" Tony hissed, as he looked to see that no one in the assembled chaos of ambulances, police cruisers clustered around the crime scene had noticed the exchange. "McGee, I'm a Federal Agent, I do not need a blanket."

"That's good to know," McGee nodded gravely, even though Tony's chalk white expression and haunted eyes told a different story. "Although, Gibbs sent me out here so you'd better be wearing this the next time he sees you, or he'll kill both of us."

"At least he'd make it quick," Tony said, his eyes dark and brittle. "One twist a nice, loud cracking sound and it would all be over. Just like falling asleep."

"Tony," McGee felt out of his depth. "Please don't talk like that."

"Why not? Dying is the easy part. It's seeing it coming that's hard."

McGee shifted his feet, uncomfortable with this dark and edgy version of DiNozzo. He hadn't seen him like this since Kate had been killed but, at least then, Gibbs had been there to intervene, his mild approbation enough to soothe and steady DiNozzo's raw edges.

This time it was up to him.

"I'm sorry about Paula," He risked. "I know you guys were close."

McGee could feel the blush rise in his face as he said the words, worried that he might be crossing a line but, feeling that it needed to be acknowledged. Tony had dated Paula for months. Far longer than most of his relationships lasted. Even if it ultimately hadn't worked out, there had obviously been something between them. He braced himself for a glare that would do Gibbs proud, only to receive an unreadable look.

"I swear, McGee, if you ask me if I want to talk about it, I will shoot you." Tony answered with complete sincerity.

"Duly noted," McGee nodded, as he sank down beside his partner on the sidewalk. For a moment they both just sat there, watching the world go by. Then McGee asked curiously. "What's it like, being in love?"

"I wasn't in love with Paula," Tony paused, remembering Gibbs' words. "Not really."

Perhaps if she had been an assignment like Jeanne he wouldn't have been able to bail when he got nervous. Maybe, things would have turned out differently. It had occurred to him that the only reason he loved Jeanne was because she was there and she loved him. He'd never really known that before.

"No," McGee shook his head. "Actually, I meant, Kate."

"Oh," Slightly surprised Tony nonetheless considered that. He'd loved Kate. And not like a sister either. More like a cousin. One of those kissing cousins with whom you were too closely related to actually marry, in case your children turned out to have six toes or something. "I wasn't in love with Kate either. Not like you mean."

"What about Abby?"

"Jealous, Probie?"

Tony's lips quirked upwards, which was partly what McGee had been going for. Although, he had to admit a small part of him wanted the reassurance that Tony didn't think of the Goth as girlfriend material. As it was the two of them had such a symbiotic relationship that he sometimes felt excluded.

"Abby and I would never date," Tony shook his head. "We know each other too well. Besides, Gibbs would break both my legs if I tried."

McGee wasn't so sure about that. He remembered the way he had watched Gibbs' expression closely the first time he had seen Abby showering a recently missing DiNozzo with hugs and kisses. If he was honest with himself he'd been hoping the senior field Agent would get slapped down. But Gibbs' expression had been remarkably indulgent; making quite sure that Tony had been properly fussed over, before he had gruffly ordered him back to work.

"Alright then," McGee considered. "What about Ziva?"

That got him a sharp, look Tony's eyes narrowing with suspicion, until McGee felt like a bug, pinned to a board. When DiNozzo spoke his voice was clipped and dangerous.

"Tell me, Special Agent McGee. What exactly in my word or actions has led you to believe that I might have feelings for Officer David?"

McGee knew that Gibbs had taken one hell of a gamble when he had promoted him to full field Agent. He hadn't been a cop, secret service or an assassin. Over the last few years his career had been one enormous learning curve and one of the reasons he was still sitting here today was sitting right beside him. Tony might be annoying and obnoxious and sometimes down right juvenile but McGee knew that he was also a brilliant investigator, a loyal partner and a good friend. Swallowing hard, he decided it was well worth the retaliation he was inviting.

"Would you like me to give you a list?"

For a long moment Tony simply _looked _at him. Despite himself, McGee found himself shifting uncomfortably. If he was honest DiNozzo still had the power to scare him a little. He had seen the man go toe to toe with serial killers and drug dealers. He had watched him square up to Gibbs without a flicker of fear. And while he didn't think Tony would ever really hurt him he knew from experience that the range and inventiveness of his hazing knew no bounds.

What had he been thinking?

Then Tony smiled, not the thin predatory smile that always made McGee start to hyperventilate but the warm, approving, smile that said he had actually done something, which measured up to the incomprehensible yardstick by which DiNozzo measured his professional and personal development.

"You're a good guy, McGee," Tony patted his back, resting his hand there for a moment as his expression turned serious for a second. "You doing OK in there?"

"Yeah," McGee nodded, forcing down the grisly images. Gibbs and Ziva had shouldered the brunt of things, moving stoically around the crime scene without any of the banter that usually served to distance themselves from the horror of their work. "We're almost done. I should probably be getting back."

He had risen to his feet and was wondering what to do with the blanket, when Tony spoke.

"You know, I love you too, right?" His face twisted. "I mean, in a totally fraternal and non sexual way. I just wouldn't want you to feel left out or anything."

"Yeah," McGee nodded solemnly. It was that kind of moment. "I know."

"Good," Tony looked satisfied. "That's good, Tim."

"Does this mean you'll stop calling me, Probie now?" McGee asked hopefully.

Tony pulled his designer shades from his top pocket, as he pretended to consider that. Wrinkling his brow slightly, McGee felt his hopes rise as DiNozzo apparently gave the question the weighty consideration that McGee had always thought it deserved. Then he grinned and McGee's heart sank.

"Not a chance."


	4. Chapter 4

Leaning back on the bench, Tony watched the people on the other side of the street go about their business. A new mother pushing a stroller, a middle aged couple, walking hand in hand as they argued good naturedly about where to vacation this year, a grandmother, hurrying her three grandchildren along, as she cast an anxious glance at the yellow crime scene tape.

Paula would never get to be any of those women.

"Tony!" He looked up to see Ziva frowning at him, her eyes creased in concern, and a sharp note of anxiety in her voice. He had the uncomfortable feeling that she had been trying to attract his attention for some time. She held out a Styrofoam cup. "This is for you."

He took it with a curious glance, knowing from the smell that it was something other than coffee. Cracking the lid just to be sure his face creased into a frown. He wasn't sick. He hadn't even been injured. And it wasn't his first dead body. Not even his first dead partner. Why was everyone insisting on treating him like an invalid?

"Chicken Soup?" He put all the incredulity he could muster into those words. It wasn't quite as much as he would have liked.

"Ducky said you needed to eat some thing light and nutritious." Ziva defended herself. She didn't tell him that Mallard had also pulled Gibbs away from his conversation with the Director to speak to him in low, urgent, tones, which had made the ex-marine's eyes darken with concern. Taking in the pale features and hollow cheeks, she made her own assessment of her partner. She thought Ducky had good reason to be concerned. The fact that Tony was dry eyed and holding things together worried her more than some show of grief would have done.

"Don't say it," Tony warned her. "_Do not_ ask me if I am alright."

"Is it true that the two of you were lovers?"

"We dated," Tony saw no reason to deny it. Not when everyone else at the office already knew. "It didn't end well."

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah, me too," Tony set cup aside on the bench, without touching it and continued to stare into space. Concerned by his silence she opened her mouth but he cut her off before she could ask him anything else. "Sit Report?"

The note of command in his voice was almost Gibbslike in its curtness and the demand effectively cut off any personal line of enquiry. Pausing only for a second to gather her thoughts, she delivered her report in a crisp and business like manner.

"We have recorded the crime scene and taken the statements of the civilian witnesses. Dr Mallard pronounced both parties dead at the scene and has accompanied their remains back to NCIS. Gibbs is speaking to the Director now, she will be informing Agent Cassidy's family."

_Paula,_ Tony thought, _her name was Paula _but he didn't bother to correct her. Ziva hadn't really known her. Hadn't sat around on a warm summer evening on the patio of her brother's house, watching her play with her two blonde nieces as they squealed with high pitch joy. Hadn't spoken to her father about cars and sports before passing the phone across when her parents called at the weekend, hadn't heard the worry behind the pride in her Mother's voice as she spoke of the work her daughter did.

"I should call them," Tony realised. "Although, they probably hate me now."

"Did you cheat on her?"

"What?" Tony looked up, his eyes flashing. "No!"

"Did you knock her around?"

"Ziva." Tony's tone told her to back off, _or else_.

"You were two consenting adults, who decided to have a relationship," Ziva sat down beside him. "Sometimes, these things do not work out. That does not mean anyone is necessarily at fault."

"I broke up with her," Tony responded in a clipped voice. "Most parents don't take it well when their daughter is in love with you and you head for the hills."

"She was in love with you?" Ziva was surprised.

"Is that so hard to believe, Zee-vah?"

The cynicism in his tone barely covered the note of raw agony in his voice. Mentally, berating herself Ziva sought for the words to make amends, she had seen often enough how desperately he strove for attention and yet how hard it was for him to accept that others cared for him, without making a joke or some self depreciating comment, as if he couldn't quite believe that he deserved to be the object of anyone's affections.

"You are like Gibbs," she allowed. "You have your own brand of charm."

She knew that the small smile that crept across Tony's face was more a reaction to the fact that she had said he was like Gibbs than that she thought he was charming. Still, that didn't stop him from raising a brow.

"You think I'm charming?"

"I did not say that," Ziva felt the need to clarify. "I merely meant that you have many qualities which women could easily find to be charming."

"Right." Tony looked away into the distance.

Ziva almost ground her teeth in frustration. That had not come out at all the way she had intended and she was acutely aware that she was not helping with whatever it was that was that was clearly consuming her partner. It wasn't as if he had still been seeing the dead woman. Or had he?

"You were both gone a long time yesterday," She realised. "Did something happen between you?"

"Are you asking me if I had sex at a crime scene, Officer David?" Tony asked coldly.

"No, of course not." She bit her lip guiltily.

The thought that they might have slipped away together had crossed her mind. Sex was a perfectly natural reaction to a near death experience. She had even wondered if it was what Gibbs had intended when he had sent them out into the field together to stop them dwelling on their own mortality and remind them that they both had a lot to live for. He certainly hadn't asked many questions on their return.

"Then what did you mean?"

Tony's tone was unusually clipped and hard. She knew it was going to take a significant gesture to smooth over this faux pass. As life's misfortunes would have it, she had the perfect example.

"I just meant, sometimes things are said in the heat of the moment that we don't really mean, it can be difficult for the other person if we don't have a chance to take them back."

"Your sister?" Tony queried softly. Ziva nodded, not surprised by his insight.

"We had quarrelled that morning. Tali had borrowed something of mine and damaged it. I had been so been angry, she tried to apologise but I would not listen. After she was killed, I never had the chance to tell her I forgive her."

"I didn't argue with Paula," Tony sighed, his body language making it clear that something had happened. "She gave me some advice."

"Oh?"

Ziva suddenly realised that they were sitting very close together, she could feel the material of Tony's pants leg pressing against her thigh, feel the faint warmth of his body beneath, he shifted his weight slightly as he pulled his sunglasses out of his pocket and put them firmly on his nose, letting his hand drop to cover hers before he spoke.

"She said life's too short not to tell someone you love them if you do."

Suddenly, Ziva found it a little hard to breath, she felt hold and was grateful that DiNozzo wasn't looking at her as she felt the colour rise in her cheeks as she fought to keep her voice steady.

"That's .. good advice."

"Yeah, I thought so," Tony's voice was reflective. He gave her hand a gentle pat, before the ringing of his cell interrupted them. His hand automatically lifted to reach into his pocket and pull out the phone, Ziva tried not to miss the contact too much as Tony checked his caller ID. "Its Abby."


	5. Chapter 5

"Hey, Abs," Tony answered his cell. "Just give me a second will you?"

"I should get back," Ziva rose abruptly, not making eye contact as she got to her feet. "Gibbs said to tell you he'll be finished in a few minutes."

"Right," Tony nodded, straightening up at the mere mention of Gibbs, instinctively becoming more businesslike in his demeanour. Even so, his eyes tracked her movements as she headed back towards the building, waiting until she was almost at the threshold before speaking. "Ziva."

She turned to look at him, her eyes curious and there were a thousand things that he could have said in that moment. Instead, he shrugged awkwardly, before saying with uncharacteristic sincerity "Thanks."

"I have done nothing," She held his gaze for a second, before her lips quirked in a seductive smile. "Yet."

For a long moment after she had been swallowed by the lengthening shadows inside the building Tony looked at space where she had been. Only the insistent tinny squawking from his cell drew his attention back to the present.

"Yeah, sorry Abs," He turned his attention to the cell. "I'm still here."

"Oh, Tony," The forensic specialist's voice was full of sympathy and remorse. "I heard about Paula, I'm so sorry. You guys were so great together."

"It was over, Abs," Tony reminded her gently. "A while ago now."

"Anthony DiNozzo, I don't care if you are hurting you don't get to lie to me." Abby said in her best, "Gibbs" voice.

"Abs, we'd broken up. I have another girlfriend, remember?"

"Maybe, you weren't sleeping with Paula anymore but you still loved her. And maybe she was kinda mad at you, but only in the way that Gibbs' ex-wives get mad when they realise that they've messed up something good. And Paula needed someone who could remind her about the good things in life before she got so angry she actually exploded," Abby winced. "Sorry, sorry, bad choice of words. Really, really, bad."

"Its OK, Abs," Tony said softly. "She died doing what she believed in and she saved some good people. She'll probably get a medal or something."

"You'd better be including yourself in those good people, Mister," Abby warned. "Her death was not your fault. You know that, right?"

"I just stood there, Abs," He exploded. Her words the catalyst he hadn't recognised he needed to let the grief and anger come pouring out. "I knew how she was feeling. I should have been covering her six. I should have stopped her. Instead, I just stood there and watched some terrorist bastard kill her. Just like with Kate."

"Tony," Abby swallowed hard, appalled. Quickly, switching her cell phone to the other side she hurried over to her desk phone and started dialling. "Don't you say that. Don't you even think that."

"Its true," Tony insisted. "I was their partner. They both died on my watch."

"That doesn't make it your fault," Abby desperately searched for something to say that would get through to him, or at least keep him on the line. The other phone began to ring through its speaker phone. "You want to get mad, you get mad with the people who actually killed them. You do not get to beat up on yourself over this. Do you hear me?"

For a second, the soft sigh that drifted through the phone allowed her to hope that her words had reached him. But when he spoke next it was with a dreadful finality that raised her panic levels to red alert.

"I gotta go, Abs."

"No, Tony, wait," she practically screamed down the phone. "Don't you dare hang up on me."

"I love you, Abs." He said simply. Then the line went dead.

"No, DiNozzo!" Abby yelled, furiously at the offending cell. "You get back here, right now!"

"Abs?" Gibbs' voice tried unsuccessfully to attract her attention from the desk phone. "Abby!"

"Gibbs?" Abby looked around, as if he was actually in the room, before her eyes alighted on the desk phone's speaker. "Gibbs, you have to do something. It's Tony."

"Calm down, Abs," His cell pressed to his ear, Gibbs collected Ducky with a look and a jerk of his head and was already striding out of the building towards the sidewalk where he had left DiNozzo. "Tell me what's wrong."

"He's all messed up, Gibbs. He blames himself. He said something awful and told me he loved me, like he was never going to see me again or something and then he hung up."

Gibbs resolutely ignored the knot of ice that took up residence in his chest. His ruthlessly quelled the small voice that said he should have seen this coming. Tony ran on instincts and feelings, letting his passions drive him towards justice for the innocent. Mostly, his emotions were tempered buy a need to be sure, not let some slimeball get off on a technicality or tainted evidence. Times like this he was liable to act, not think.

It wasn't like this was his and Gibbs' first ride around this particular merry-go-round.

"Define awful." Gibbs ordered, already fearing he knew what was coming.

Abby had to take a breath before she could say it, biting at her lip against the bad vibes she would be sending to her beloved silver fox. It wasn't a time any of them wanted to remember. "He said it was like Kate all over again."

Gibbs' stopped dead, as his worst fears were confirmed. After Kate had been killed before their eyes Tony had sucked it up and held things together. Gibbs had been proud and more than a little concerned about the detached way his senior field Agent had volunteered to go check Ari's sniper nest, getting soaked to the skin in the process less than a week after he had got out of Bethesda after that damned plague.

"He actually said that?"

DiNozzo's façade had never cracked. Even at the funeral he had been more concerned with supporting Abby and making sure McGee got through it. Gibbs had simply watched and waited. Not long after, Tony had been involved in an undercover operation and he had taken such a stupid, needless and _completely_ _pointless_, risk that Gibbs had been tempted to shoot him himself. Instead, he had driven him to the ER and then taken him back to his house in grim silence.

"_I'm what?" Tony had blinked, as if he hadn't heard right._

"_You're grounded," Gibbs repeated. "You stay here with me and you don't get to leave my sight until I know you can be trusted."_

It had taken longer than he had expected. And it hadn't been easy, on either of them. DiNozzo was almost as stubborn as he was and he'd fought him, every step of the way. But he thought he'd finally made his feelings clear. Now he strode forward his resolution evident in every step as he answered.

"I'll take care of it, Abs."

Snapping his phone shut, he blinked slightly as he emerged into the daylight. His jaw clenching tight as his eyes skipped over the red blanket, abandoned on the sidewalk and the untouched cup of soup cooling rapidly on the bench.

There was no sign of DiNozzo.

Pressing his speed dial Gibbs' face darkened as Tony's cell went straight to voice mail. He could only think of three reasons that his senior field Agent would be unreachable. He wasn't dead. He sure as hell hadn't been kidnapped off the sidewalk in broad daylight past a cordon of law enforcement officers, which left only that undercover operation for Jen.

"DiNozzo, you get your butt back here, or I'll fire your ass." He barked.

"Honestly, Jethro, do you really think that is the best way of dealing with this particular situation?" Mallard rebuked.

"Just making sure he knows he's wanted, Duck."

"And God forbid you might actually say that."

Gibbs didn't answer. He and DiNozzo understood one another. They'd worked together long than most of his marriages had lasted. He provided the younger man with the attention, direction and gruff affection he craved. But what most people didn't realise was that DiNozzo was equally important to him. He gave him loyalty, purpose and wasn't afraid to tell him he was full of crap when required.

"He gonna get sick, Duck?"

"Well, he's had a nasty shock. Lack of fluids, insufficient nourishment, I don't suppose he was wearing a coat? Well, thankfully hypothermia is rather unlikely at this time of year, and of course, he does have a perfectly good apartment. I'm rather more concerned about his emotional state. He never did come to terms with his true feelings for Paula. And I don't need to tell you that the loss of a loved one can stir up other unresolved issues."

"Is this really such a big deal, Duck?" Gibbs wanted to clarify. "DiNozzo tells me he loves me, when I buy him Pizza for God's sake."

"And how many time shave you heard him express similar sentiments to myself, or young Timothy or even our Officer David if the flustered way she has been acting is any indication," Ducky didn't wait for a response as he shook his head. "I know for a fact that young Anthony has been rather troubled of late by his inability to express his affections to his new young lady. And you know very well that Tony does not bestow that accolade upon you lightly."

Gibbs considered that. He knew DiNozzo had a difficult relationship with his father and that his mother had died when he was still young, limiting contact with her family. As close as he was to his frat brothers, or his former partners Gibbs knew from experience how hard it was for DiNozzo to let his guard down. It had taken then years to get where they were today.

"Yeah, I know," He admitted. "I'll find him. Look after things here will you?"


	6. Chapter 6

AN - Many thanks for all the reviews, life is super busy right now so I can write, or reply to reviews, so apologies for not repling but its great to know people are enjoying this, thank you!

* * *

As Gibbs strode towards his car part of him baulked at leaving the crime scene but he had already done everything he could for Paula and he figured DiNozzo was as much a victim of their terrorist as the female Agent had been. He needed to find him and fast. 

Officially, he wasn't supposed to know that DiNozzo's undercover operation for the Director was still ongoing. Like he wasn't supposed to notice when his senior field Agent jumped ship in the middle of a hot case or suddenly had more dentist appointments than most people had teeth. He'd tried to tell himself he wasn't worried. DiNozzo was a good Agent and he could handle himself. But the idea of one of his people out there with only Jen for backup didn't sit well with him.

The graceful Apartment block was in a upscale part of town, the building more spacious and well appointed than she could have managed to afford on her salary alone. As he knocked lightly at her door Gibbs straightened his jacket and ran a hand over his hair, as the door opened he smiled warmly.

"Hi, I was looking for Tony DiNardo? We work together at the University. I've been all over town before I remembered he mentioned he might be having dinner with you tonight."

"I'm sorry, you just missed him," Jeanne Benoit looked apologetic. "He said had a plane to catch, some kind of film seminar at UCLA?"

"Star Wars, fact or fiction?," Gibbs nodded. "He left his presentation on my desk. I really need to get hold of him before he leaves for the airport. He say anything else?"

"He said he loved me," The young woman smiled, then blushed, when she realised what she had blurted out. "I'm sorry, you're his work colleague, you probably didn't want to know that."

"He told you he loved you?"

All the undercover work in the world couldn't keep the surprise out of Gibbs' voice. From what he'd seen DiNozzo had nothing in common with this woman. Tony DiNardo, on the other hand, had obviously fallen for her hard. Cursing himself for missing the warning signs Gibbs quickly removed the darkening frown from his face. Fortunately, the girl didn't seem to mind. She laughed her face lighting up with happiness.

"I know we've been dating for ages. I was beginning to think he was never going to say it. We even had a couple of fights about it. Then he just showed up tonight and said it. I asked him what was so special about tonight and do you know what he said?" She was smiling and radiantly happy, whatever it was, it wasn't the truth. "He asked if I knew how many disaster movies were based around plane crashes? He said life was too short not to tell someone you loved them when you do."

As he emerged back onto the street Gibbs paused, feeling frustrated and oddly thwarted. It was little comfort that he knew literary hundreds of places that Tony wouldn't be right now. He wouldn't go to his apartment, or back to the office. Not in this mood. He wouldn't seek out a bar. Tony only drank when he was happy. He wasn't looking to pick up a woman, if he'd wanted to get laid he wouldn't just have lied to his girlfriend and then disappeared off into the night.

For one sickening moment Gibbs wondered if he might leave the city. If something like this was enough to set him running. Away from Washington, NCIS, maybe even law enforcement. Then he shook his head, annoyed with himself. They'd been in worse places than this before and they'd got through it and God help them, they'd get through this as well.

Suddenly, he stopped dead, struck by sudden inspiration, so clear and blindingly obvious that he didn't know whether to be weak with relief or pissed as hell that he hadn't thought of it an hour ago. Striding forward quickly now, he fished out his keys and climbed quickly into his car. A necessary detour for coffee and Pizza and three special short cuts later he drew up in front of the large, familiar building just a few blocks from his own house.

DiNozzo didn't react as Gibbs made his way up the aisle, his footsteps echoing around the vaulted roof of the Church. He didn't move as Gibbs sank down in the pew beside him. Glancing over at his drawn features Gibbs pressed his lips together in sympathy at the marks of dried tear tracks cutting through the grime on his face.

He could count on one hand the number of times he had seen Tony even come close to crying.

Settling himself next to him in the pew, Gibbs could feel where their bodies touched how chill DiNozzo had become. The combination of a thin shirt and jacket, cold clammy shock, low blood sugar and a large, unheated building doing nothing for his immune system. In one easy movement he flipped open the box and slid it onto DiNozzo's lap.

"Eat something."

"I'm not really hungry." Tony murmured listlessly.

"Didn't ask if you were hungry."

Gibbs let the words hang in the air between them as he sipped his coffee and stared straight ahead. If he pushed too hard, Tony would push right back and things might turn ugly. So, he waited, not bothering top hide his satisfaction as Tony rolled his eyes but obediently picked up a slice, chewing mechanically.

"How'd you get here?" He asked neutrally.

"Cab." Tony responded automatically around a mouthful of pizza.

The ex-marine looked curiously at the three newly lit candles in front of DiNozzo. One was for Paula, of course, the second, he knew was for Kate. God, had it really been three years since he had brought DiNozzo here after those damned fish had died? The third one must be for Tony's Aunt. Gibbs' expression softened as he remembered accompanying DiNozzo to her funeral in Las Vegas. He narrowed his eyes at the fourth one.

"Aw, hell, DiNozzo." He rubbed a hand over his face as he realised its significance.

"She died three months before my eleventh birthday," Tony spoke softly. "You'd think in all that time I could have told her one time that I loved her."

Gibbs clenched his jaw. DiNozzo's mother had dressed her son up like a doll and paraded him in front of her society friends. She hadn't bee the one to cook his meals or taken him to practice. Other people comforted him after his nightmares or took care of him when he was sick. The ex-Marine knew for a fact that Tony was in frequent contact with the cook and nanny who had had the job of raising him, sending gifts every holiday season and personally taking care of any expenditure their medical insurance or pensions couldn't meet.

"Maybe, if you'd seen more of her." He grumbled.

Tony gave him a questioning look for his disapproval. Gibbs knew it was hard for the younger man not to see his childhood as normal. The ex-marine shook his head slightly just because other people in his social circle had raised their kids the same way didn't make it right.

"I called my father." Tony surprised him.

"What the hell for?" Gibbs asked bluntly.

"It went as well as usual," Tony evaded the question. "He was busy, some high-level conference thing. As soon as he knew I wasn't dead or in imminent danger of dying he passed me off to his PA."

"DiNozzo."

Gibbs clenched his jaw at the note of loss he heard in his senior field Agent's voice. Beyond perfunctory birthday and Christmas gifts, which were so unsuitable that Gibbs was convinced the task was assigned to some corporation underlying who had never even met Tony, his father had paid no attention to his son in the last five years. Even almost dying of a medieval disease had produced nothing more than a fruit basket.

"I suppose I could always tell his PA that I loved her," Tony shrugged it off. "But her husband might get the wrong idea."

"Not just her husband." Gibbs blurted without thinking.

As soon as the words were out of his mouth he knew he had said too much. DiNozzo wasn't his senior field Agent for nothing. Sure enough, Tony froze with his second slice of Pizza halfway to his mouth, turning to fix his Boss with a narrow eyed gaze that melted into realisation.

"You went to see Jeanne."

"You really tell her you loved her?"

"Yeah." Tony looked away.

In that moment Gibbs hated Jen. Hated her for seeing only what Tony wanted her to see. Very Special Agent, Anthony DiNozzo, licensed to thrill and entertain the ladies. Not Tony DiNardo, the wounded, vulnerable, man who lived for the escapism of movies and so desperately wanted the security of a white picket fence and a family who loved him. He had trained her better than that. But in his heart of hearts, he knew this was his fault, because he had trained Tony too and this time he hadn't held back, had't kept a trick or two in reserve, he'd taught him everything he knew and that was what Tony was using to fly under Jen's radar whether he realised it or not.

"Ironic, isn't it?" Tony forced a rueful laugh, breaking the silence. "I finally found a woman I could spend the rest of my life with and she doesn't even know I exist. She thinks she's buying a house with Tony DiNardo, mild mannered film professor. That's going get a little awkward when I start strapping on my Sig in the mornings."

"You're buying a house together?" Gibbs couldn't beleive it. His voice rose in anger and frustration, of all the stupid, foolhardy things. "DiNozzo, what the hell were you thinking?"

"I know," Tony sounded utterly dejected "I never meant for it to get so far out of hand. It just happened. I guess I really screwed up, huh Boss?"

Gibbs sighed. DiNozzo should have known better. But then so should Jen. And the kid was in no shape for a lecture right now. Besides, he couldn't help but blame himself, he should have been here.

"Naw," He conceded. "You just fell in love."

Tony gave him a quick, sideways look, his eyes a mixture of surprise and wary gratitude. Seeing nothing in his expression but honest sympathy, he gave a small shrug.

"Feels like same thing." He admitted.

"Often does." Gibbs conceded.

"You love all your ex-wives, Boss?"

"I thought I did when I married 'em," Gibbs answered honestly. "Figured, maybe I could get back something of what I'd lost. Instead, I ended up with three sets of alimony and nearly lost my house. Wanting something isn't enough to make it happen, Tony."

Tony nodded softly, accepting that. For a long moment he was silent looking into the distance as he chewed thoughtfully on his Pizza, but when he spoke it wasn't at what Gibbs had been expecting to hear.

"I don't think I love my father."


	7. Chapter 7

Sorry for the long delay - I had a bit of an NCIS dry spell and really struggled to finish this - but its now done (final chapter being polished and wil be up in a day or two) and I'm even back working on my Christmas Story (yes, really!)

* * *

As soon as the words were out of his mouth Tony wanted to take them back. Children were supposed to love their parents. As a cop he had seen kids suffer things he didn't even want to think about. Those children had still been desperate for the love of the only parents they had ever known. So what if his father had been a bit distant and kind of demanding, it wasn't exactly a crime.

"We should go," Uncomfortable with the topic he tried to change the subject. "I have work in the morning and my Boss gets really cranky if I'm late."

"Your father ever say he loved you?" Gibbs didn't move.

"No," Tony admitted. "But then neither have you."

Gibbs let a corner of his mouth quirk up as he shook his head ruefully. Trust DiNozzo. Only he would have the guts to try and take his own argument and use it against him. Still, that didn't mean it was the same thing.

"I've always had your six." Gibbs reminded him. "You see your father sitting here freezing his ass off?"

"My father couldn't manage more than a basket of fruit I was dying of the plague," Tony retorted without heat. "Some other NCIS Agent dying wouldn't even make it past his PA."

"You knew about that?" Gibbs frowned.

"Kate thought you were being insensitive. She figured I should know that my father cared enough to send something," Tony made a face. "She wasn't to know."

Gibbs kept his thoughts to himself. For a trained profiler and a dammed good investigator, Kate had been remarkably clueless when it came to DiNozzo's issues. Even Tim who had the benefit of the most normal upbringing Gibbs could imagine had learnt to tread carefully around the minefield of Tony's childhood. Right now, the ex-marine knew he didn't have that luxury. Not if they were going to fix this.

"Anyone ever tell you they love you?" He pressed.

"Sure," Tony replied easily. "All the time, I'm a very lovable guy."

"Sex, doesn't count." Gibbs clarified.

"Oh," Tony frowned, obviously struggling, then he suddenly brightened. "Susie Walker."

"Fourth grade?" Gibbs hazarded.

"Second," Tony admitted. "I was an early bloomer."

The snort that came from his Boss was definitely amused but Tony knew better than to think he was off the hook. Most of the time Gibbs was pretty willing to indulge his tangents, understanding more than most his need to hide from his pain but the ex-marine wouldn't let this drop until he had his answers. It was kind of comforting.

Sure enough.

"Just answer the damned question, DiNozzo."

"My mother had had a whole string of miscarriages before I was born," Tony reflected, as he loked into the flickering candle light. "Each time she got a little more desperate. By the time i was born she had build up this image in her mind of what it was going to be like to have this perfect little boy. One she could dress up and have play the piano for all her friends," Tony made a face. "I don't think the reality ever lived up to her expectations. God, I hated those sailor suits."

Gibbs wisely kept his peace. He could tell Tony was far from done, although given that the younger man didn't think his own mother had ever truly loved him it was no surprise that his senior field Agent had commitment issues.

"Back then I would have done anything to make my father proud," Tony continued. "I was such an idiot. He'd barely even notice I was alive. Even after he sent me away to school, I'd try everything to get his attention, even if I knew I wouldn't be able to sit down afterwards. It took me years to realise that he preferred the company of his liquor cabinet to wasting his time with me."

Gibbs clenched his jaw, unable to bear the note of resignation in Tony's voice. No child should ever feel that unloved or unwanted, especially, not one as eager for attention and affection as DiNozzo.

"It was different with Kate. She and I shared something special," Tony hesitated. This one was harder to admit, even to himself. "But as much as she cared about me, she loved the job more. Seriously, Boss, could you see her staying home to bounce little DiNozzo's on her knee? No matter what I had said, it wouldn't have changed anything, I could have proposed and she still would have been on the roof that day."

Gibbs rubbed a hand over his face, trying to scour away his own memories of that day, Kate lying so still and lifeless and Tony standing with her blood on his face looking more lost and alone than the ex-marine had ever seen him, before tonight.

"And then there's Paula," Tony gave a hollow laugh. "Really should have listened to you on that one, Boss. Guess there's a pretty good reason for rule twelve. Even if I had told her I loved her it still wouldn't have been enough," Tony felt an old familiar pain at the thought that he wasn't enough. "She still would have thrown herself at that terrorist."

He knew he should be used to it by now. Everybody had someone or something they cared about more than they cared about him. Even Abby, much as he adored her, had Gloria and her enormous extended family. McGee had his parents and a sister he'd been wiling to go to jail for. Ducky was devoted to his Mother. Even Ziva, who had her own family issues, had an Aunt.

And as much as he loved Jeanne, she had fallen for DiNardo. Tony couldn't help thinking of his under cover persona as his good twin. Mindful of his mission, his undercover persona went dancing when all DiNozzo really wanted was a cold beer, a slice of pizza and watching the Game. Who knew how she would feel about the real him? Not to mention how she would react when she found out that he had been lying to her all this time.

Probably not well.

He'd thought maybe he had Gibbs. The man had been mentor, friend and father to him over the years. And whilst the ex-marine was close to Ducky and Fornell, loved Abby like a second daughter, and shared something of a history when Jen, Tony had always felt that he was something of a special project for Gibbs.

Except now things were different. Not bad different, just different different. Gibbs gave him more autonomy, trusted him to work his own angle, whilst he took Ziva or McGee with him. Tony knew he should be delighted at the extent of Gibbs faith in him. Instead, he felt like a baby bird pushed from the nest before he was ready.

"It doesn't matter, does it?" Tony managed tightly. "It doesn't matter how much I love them, or how hard I try. I always end up alone."

To his horror, he felt burning at the back of his eyes as a wave of loss and long pent up loneliness swept over him. Swallowing hard, he desperately tried to stem the tears to no avail. God, he couldn't let Gibbs see him like this. Surging to his feet he shoved the now empty Pizza box aside and pushed blindly past the ex-marine and as he tried to make his escape.

"DiNozzo, hold up." Gibbs commanded. His own footsteps echoing on the tile as he came up behind him.

"Don't Gibbs, just don't," He pleaded, keeping his back to the marine. "There's nothing you can say to make this better."

"The hell there isn't."

The next thing Tony knew Gibbs was grasping him by the arm, fingers curled around his bicep hard enough to leave bruises as he forced his senior field Agent to turn and face him. Desperately, Tony averted his gaze, even as he struggled to try and free himself before the ex-marine saw just how pathetic he really was. When a strong hand claimed his jaw, intent on forcing his head around, he acted without thinking, drawing back his fist and striking Gibbs hard on the jaw.

The element of surprise was enough to send the ex-marine sprawling. Only his quick reflexes saving him from cracking his head on the tiled floor. Tony looked down in horror at what he had done, feeling like he had been doused in ice water. Gibbs gingerly touched at the bruise already blossoming on his cheek, before looking up at him with an unreadable expression.

"Boss." Tony swallowed hard.


	8. Chapter 8

AN - I wasn't expecting people to be quite so surprised about how Tony reacted - I guess I just always see him as someone driven by his emotions. Having raised so many expectations I hope my ending of choice doesn't disappoint. The Christmas story is almost done. Should be able to start posting that on Friday.

* * *

It wasn't the first time he had argued with Gibbs. Tony knew he was one of the few people that the ex-marine allowed the leeway to follow his gut and speak his own mind. It wasn't even the first time he had hit him. He'd lost count of the number of times they had sparred in the gym over the years. On one memorable occasion, Gibbs had even taken him down in the middle of autopsy to demonstrate how to break a man's neck. But they had never crossed this line before. There was only one thing he could do.

"You'll have my resignation in the morning." He turned away, feeling numb and utterly defeated.

"DiNozzo, _Freeze!_"

The parade ground bark stopped him in his tracks. He owed Gibbs. More than his career, more even than his life. If Gibbs wanted to beat the crap out of him, he'd stand there and let him. Head bowed, he waited as Gibbs circled around him, feeling his stupid, treacherous body shaking with emotion and adrenalin, ready to take whatever was coming.

Instead of the blow he was expecting, the ex-marine stepped right up into his personal space and put his hands tenderly, almost reverently, on either side of Tony's face and gently tilted his chin up. Rather then the anger he was expecting, the blue eyes were soft with concern.

"It's alright." A calloused thumb caressed his cheek.

Tony shook his head silently, feeling the tears pool in his eyes, the unexpected compassion, ripping away his defences more surely than any anger or violence would have done. How could this be alright?

"I hit you.." He choked out.

"I know." Gibbs smiled.

"And you're .. okay with that?" Tony was thoroughly confused. Shouldn't Gibbs be slapping him silly? Or at least yellling? Or something?

"When my CO came to find me after Shannon and Kelly were murdered, I dammed near broke his jaw," Gibbs admitted. "Poor guy was trying to tell me that in time I would be able to love again. Let other people into my life. Find new reasons for living. Back then, I thought he was full of crap. Never figured I'd live to see the day I'd have to eat my words."

"Oh," Tony blushed, slightly as the true meaning of Gibbs words sunk in. Embarrassed, he sniffed and tried for somehting close to normal. "That's alright, Boss. You don't have to say anything. I know how you feel about me."

"You let me be the judge of that, DiNozzo," Gibbs countered gruffly. "You think, I want to be having this conversation every time you think you've screwed up, or the next time you get your own team, or whenever you finally get around to giving me grandchildren?"

"Grandchildren?" Tony squeaked.

"I need you to listen to me, Tony," Gibbs patted his cheek to focus him. "Are you listening?"

"I'm listening, Boss." Tony nodded fervantly.

"I might be a grade A bastard sometimes but the difference between me and your father is that I love you."

"You do .. what?" Tony was proud that his voice only sounded slightly strangled. He wasn't exactly sure what he had been expecting but it certainly wasn't such an unequivocal declartion of .. well love.

As his Boss dropped his hands and tipped his head on one side regarding him steadily, Tony waited for a typical Gibbs like response. Perhaps, a raised brow or an unreadable look, maybe even a head slap. A well trained Federal Agent should never need telling twice, even when he _really_ needed it.

"I said," Gibbs' smile was tolerant, as he repeated patiently. "I love you."

"Oh," Tony tried to process that, as a blush of pleasure rose up his neck and across his pale features, turning his ears an embarrassing shade of bright pink. "Well, good."

Turning on his heel and striding ahead, Gibbs let a fond grin spread across his face at the younger man's reaction. He'd always figured that DiNozzo knew that he loved him. After all they'd been through he wouldn't be much of an investigator if he hadn't worked that out. But he had never actually said the words before.

Still, they weren't done with this yet.

Gibbs just hoped that he'd said enough, because if this didn't work, he didn't have the first clue about how to get DiNozzo to admit the thing that had really been eating at him all this time. And the way the pain and the guilt was tearing him up inside he would be no good to Gibbs or NCIS.

"It should have been me," Tony's voice came quietly from behind him. "If you hadn't come back from Mexico, it would have been my team taking that surveillance duty. We both know I don't have the seniority to get my people out of weekend call. So, it would have been me, sending Ziva and McGee in there. Watching them die."

"Loving people isn't enough to keep them safe," Gibbs stopped but didn't turn. "You know that."

"Not my first rodeo," Tony agreed. Thinking of all the friends and colleagues had had lost. People died. He knew that. "Paula asked me when I had become so caring."

He was surprised at how much the comment had hurt. He had cared about her. Enough to ignore Gibbs warnings, enough to disregard rule twelve, enough that whilst they were dating, he had stayed faithful to her, even when she was deployed. Not that he'd ever told anyone that, not even her.

"You care, DiNozzo," Now Gibbs turned back, closing the space between them. "You think I would have given you my team, if you didn't?"

"What if I'd killed them?" Tony met his gaze squarely, but his expression was anguished at the fear that he could so easily have betrayed Gibbs' faith in him. "You gave them to me. You trusted me to take care of things, to watch their six. What if I'd let them die? Would you even have been able to look at me?"

Gibbs shook his head as he reached out and rubbed his hand across the back of DiNozzo's neck, letting the soothing contact re-enforce his words as he spoke soft and low.

"It wouldn't have been your fault, any more than it was Cassidy's. She made the best decision she could, based on the Intel she had. Hell, I probably would have made the same decision myself," Gibbs clenched his jaw, feeling his hand tighten almost possesively around Tony's neck before adding the unbearable part. "Except, I would have been burying three Agents."

Tony blinked in surprise, he hadn't thought of it like that. But Gibbs expression left no room for doubt. God, he was an idiot. He should have realised that the ex-marine would be fighting his own demons over this.

"You know, Boss," Habit and instinct combined to try and lighten Gibbs mood. "If this is supposed to be a pep talk, I gotta tell you, I'd give it a C," He paused, considering. "Minus."

In response, Gibbs tipped his head in wry acknowledgement, before reaching up and slapping him lightly on the back of the head.

"You're not dead yet, DiNozzo."

"I'll try and keep it that way." Tony promised.

"So, are we done?" Gibbs demanded. "Because I need coffee."

Together they made their way down the steps and across the road to where Gibbs was parked. As the ex-marine fished his keys out of his pocket, Tony circled around to the passenger side, before leaning on the roof to look across at his Boss.

"What?" Gibbs asked.

"Sometimes, I don't know why you put up with me." He admitted awkwardly.

"Yeah well, that's another difference between me and your father, DiNozzo. I know a good investment when I see one."

"Love you, too, Boss." Tony grinned.

As they climbed into the car, Tony pulled the list from his pocket. Looking at his father's still uncrossed name, he came to a decision. Pulling out his lighter he touched an edge of the paper to the heat, watching as it blossomed into flame, before winding down the window and letting the final embers drop from his fingers.

Life was also too short to tell someone you loved them, if you didn't.


End file.
